family >>>

Yesterday, I woke up at 7 in the morning which was too early for a 10-hour graveyard duty.

I wasn’t emotionally well.

I tried to sleep at around 3 in the afternoon as so my mind could at least rest; my alarm went off at 05:45. I knew then that I had to take a paracetamol because my head was starting to ache.

I got up, took my bath, did a little make up and went off for work.

There was too much in my mind, chaotic really. Work haven’t even started yet but I felt like I’m gonna be sick, I wanna puke and any minute I may pass out. My heart was literally pounding and too heavy. I honestly felt alone and didn’t know where to run to. I felt like a loser thinking about “things” that shouldn’t even matter. I felt like I was a fucking trash.

Don’t you just hate the fact that we can never be enough for some people? That they don’t appreciate nor see that you are trying to be better? Have you ever felt small? Felt like everything they said about you maybe were true? …

I was so close to breaking down that I am trying so hard to hold my tears when my mom and sister called. Thank God they were up early and called. (They were five hours ahead of me)

My mind was too preoccupied by something else that I almost forgot that I actually have a family who I can run to. I may not be able to tell them what’s bothering me yet but the fact that they could make me laugh and give me the comfort that I was longing for that time, for I was feeling alone, was a reminder that they are the only people who I can truly rely to and the most important in my life. The only individuals who wouldn’t even think of leaving me as they accept and love me beyond my flaws.

Perhaps, now’s finally the time that I shouldn’t be too dependent to people who may just be there temporarily. Family are permanent and I wouldn’t trade mine for the world.

thanks for reading my short, messy, unorganized thoughts.
Wrote this spontaneously, just bcos i miss writing when something
makes me sad :(( this is me saying good night @ 8am lol!

tears of gratitude

I am very much thankful for the years where I’ve felt that I was on my lowest and highest point of my life.

Love that I thought of creating this blog and write all the things that made me sad, happy and in love.

And if I would be given a chance to share or recommend something to few young individuals, I would definitely impart to them how helpful it is to write down all the things that kept on playing inside them. They could write it on a notebook, a diary, or otherwise, a blog like this. This would serve as a reminder for them in the future; to make them realize how blessed they are, see how far they have come, and how they have grown as the person that they would soon to be because of their roller coaster life.

I could still clearly remember how I started creating this blog. I was then full of hatred, pain, envy, low self-esteem, depression that I always cry myself to sleep thinking how much of a failure I am. And eventually I find myself calm after writing everything. I would always felt lighter. I tried putting positive thoughts on the things that I write— tried talking to myself thru writing. I thought maybe if I ever have a reader out there who was suffering as me, I would want her/him to read something that would give them hope and not another discouragement.

I was a fresh graduate way back, and I felt a lot of pressure. People had too many high expectations of me that it literally felt like hell.

Several companies have rejected me. I have applied for the job I dream of too many times and still got no luck (well, until now actually).

But then, I was very much lucky to land in a job where it gave me the benefits to bring my family to various beautiful places. I had my first job in an airline as a ground attendant (airport.). However, sometimes, (sad truth is that) salary and benefits are not enough to make an employee stay in a company.

I remember my supervisor, on my on-the-job training, once told me— if it is no longer providing you growth and development, leave. It has stuck in my head ever since that I have decided that I will only stay in the company I am working with for 2 years and not because of personal choice, but it was exactly what I felt during my service on that airline.

Management was very toxic that there are things I don’t want to remember anymore and I never wanna go back. It made me turn evil and I became pessimist.

I decided to look for another job as my mental health is getting affected. Luckily, I passed a job that changed everything.

I did prayed for this.

I just recently relocated to a different country for work. A different airline. Different airport. And now, this is a new challenge and opportunity for me. And I am truly excited for what is stored for me here. This is gonna be my chance to save more for myself, my future and family.

I may not be (yet) on the position I dream of, I will still try and pursue it. I certainly don’t know what the future holds, but I will keep on hoping and praying.

I won’t say that all I gained on my previous job was negativity, there were pros too, but I can’t afford to stay in an environment that is consuming me. The experience that I had with them made me stronger and wiser mentally. Likewise, made me more capable of doing my work because of the training and knowledge that they have provided me. Perhaps, worst things lead us to the great ones.

My eyes are since filled with tears of gratitude. If only I could hug Him for a second, I would. I don’t know what I did to deserve all this. But all I know is, this time I’m going to do all things right. And I’m not taking any single thing for granted.

a short depressing story

It’s just sad that a person who was once full of motivation, passion, positivity and determination is slowly drowning herself to sadness. Losing her faith, and just trying to swallow the fact that she will never be the person she aspires to be.

Too many—similar rejections.

She’s empty. She’s weak. Blaming herself why did she even put her mind into it. Constantly asking herself what made her think of putting herself in a situation that is very difficult to reach most especially for a person like her.

Toxic, that she is to herself.

A news heard about someone who just got successful is like a punch on her face about how loser she is. Trying so hard she thinks that she is just a pathetic girl who will never be the person she dreams for herself. Nothing seems to be going right for her and she just wanna shut herself down.

She’s currently on that phase again.

She’s hurting and trying to accept things are perhaps meant this way.

Her heart is full of hatred, insecurities and jealousy. And she doesn’t know how to stop. Her mind and body is now filled with negativity.

However, despite all these, she still acts like everything is okay; she makes it seem that she doesn’t care if she fails. She’s feeling things and she chose to just keep it to herself. She doesn’t want to be a burden to anyone, she doesn’t want to make people feel like they’re obliged to make her feel okay.

Nobody knows how much her thoughts and feelings are killing her.

She looks happy, but is she genuinely is? Or just convincing herself as so it will be easier for her to accept everything and learn to be content?

love in a roller coaster

I was never a fan of cheesy lines, overly sweet couples who call each other with endearments that make you cringe neither couples who show too much affection in public. I back then was never that kind of person who’s known as sweet, I honestly seldom show affection and used to not taking things seriously. Most probably why no one took me as such.

Until this man came and gave me feelings I’ve never felt before who also eventually made me realise why couples do this and that. He was the only person who made an effort to know the real me. I was a bit hesitant at first because who wouldn’t, right? But he showed me that he’s a sincere gentleman who can be trusted. That he’s in to go through everything with me. And surprisingly, he proved that. Regardless of how tired and drained he is, he always make sure that he is able to see me and my big set of teeth. (lol)

We actually grew in a completely different environment. We even barely have a common ground. Different taste in music, he loves movies and i love books, he used to go out at night with friends to hang while me on the other hand used to be the girl who always stays home at this time of the day. And perhaps, that made us look more attractive to the eyes of each other. We did have a little adjustments and arguments, and i’d say that it was never easy but nonetheless, worth it.

He was the man who taught me how to be soft, to be sweet. He made me realise that it is truly important to show more affection and be vocal to what I feel— for he is this kind of person. And for a relationship to work, communication is essential and trust is needed.

If you would ask me to enumerate things I love about him, one of the many is how he talks about his passion. How interesting this certain kind of music to him, how he admire this person, how much he likes movies and his unconditional love to his family despite of his emotional past. And indeed, a point that turns me on. I don’t know if he even has an idea that I adore him too much when he talks about these things.

Quick story time: There was this one time that I will never forget, we were eating, he had a rice meal while me on the other hand just bought chips for myself. And as typical of a person that I am, I tried testing him and thought silently that if he gives me the first bite of his food it just means that he truly loves me and he cares for me. I was then trying to act normal for we were watching at that time and showed that I couldn’t careless about what he eats but to my surprise he still didn’t fail me. And right there and then, I just fell in love with him 10x deeper.

He do loves spoiling me. And all the little things are everything to me. I’ve always loved his cute little surprises just like how he thought of leaving chocolates in my kit. That always made my day!

I enjoy singing a song with him, merely staring at his eyes makes me kilig and I just wanna annoy him with my kisses. Either one of us could think of any random thing to do, and would still be game to it and have fun even in the lamest thing. We could talk about anything and play whatever cross our minds.

I knew that everything is going well when silence is no longer (awkward) silence; when he doesn’t necessarily have to do anything and merely his presence and his touch could make me feel at ease. He is truly my home.

Spending literally the whole day with him still feels not enough and just the seconds we part ways make my heart sink for it misses him already. It does always felt like half of it is with him. However, I love how just napping with him and waking up beside him always feel like I’ve already completed my 8hours of sleep. Only shows how unbelievably comfortable and homey I feel when he has his arms around me. He is annoyingly cute, and I would choose no one but him to annoy me forever.

Minutes, hours, days and months went by, his love is making me realise even more how much it would hurt if I lose him.

As normal couples, we do fight too. But the thought of leaving him and to just firmly decide to grow independently will never cross my mind. He’s my better half, my person and my best friend. Even when we’re mad, he would always be the person I wanna run for a hug. I’d still long for his sweet kisses no matter how big of a fight that was. I wouldn’t turn to anyone but him.

We both have seen each other at our worsts, and the beautiful thing about it is that we still choose to stay. Always. And that was the time I knew that I am deeply in love and willing to go through hell with him for I know at the end of the day, nothing would matter but the relationship we have built and the love that we have shared.

Indeed, there were many ups and downs. You’d know you’re in love when you are feeling all different kinds of emotions.

He made me realise that I cannot just let go of the person who could effortlessly make me smile and laugh— and luckily that’s him. He makes me and my heart genuinely happy. Just the thought of not being with him gives tears in my eyes, it’s just too fuckin painful that I dont wanna think about anything at all. We’re inseparable.

I didn’t know that I can love a person this much until he came. I love him for being himself and for letting me see the different kinds of him. I’m very much grateful to have someone who is serious and committed in our relationship. And I wouldn’t trade anything for this.

I couldn’t wait for another episode of our story to tell, memories to make, discovery of new things and seeing each other grow individually and as partners.

this is what happens when you love a person too much

I didn’t know I can love someone insanely so bad that it’s bringing me tears thinking how much it would hurt if this person would just rather choose to leave me.

Fears and what ifs are creeping me out.

I’m afraid of the –ier and the more-.

I’m afraid that one day he would just wake up and realize that he doesn’t want me anymore. He doesn’t love and need me anymore.

I’m afraid that he’ll think that I’m just a frickin burden.

I am just afraid that he would suddenly decide to give up on me.

I know, I know these do not help.

Perhaps, all these worries and overthinking are merely a consequence for being too happy with your significant other; that loving them too much is making you emotional already.

Feeling all these things made me realize even more how badly I love the person who I am with right now. How badly I want to grow up with him, to end up marrying him and to build a home with him.

I certainly don’t want this love to end, for I fuckin love this person so much.