an open letter to the person I miss and love the most

Hi Pa,

It has been three years since you passed away and I freakin miss everything about you.

You’re the only person I know who could make me laugh so hard I cry. Your humour is the best, it’s everything. It’s definitely something I would never forget about you.

I miss your voice, your laugh, and the way you talk. Whenever I hear the songs you used to sing, I feel like you’re always trying to send me a message. You’re the best singer I know, Pa.

One night, I found myself reading our messages on Facebook. It just broke my heart. The pain I felt when I heard from momma that you’re gone came back instantly.

Every time your friends will bring up your name, I couldn’t help myself. I always feel like wanting to run away and cry my heart out in a corner where no one could hear me.

I don’t think my tears will ever be enough for whenever I think of you, it’s too difficult for me to stop.

It’s so painful that every time I see you in my dreams, I’ll wake up with tears in my eyes. But, I would still rather see you in my dreams despite of it all, because that always makes me feel like you’re just here.

I will never forget this one random day when I was still in dorm, which happened to be my graduation practice day, I woke up crying. I saw you, perhaps you felt like I was worrying so much that you decided to appear in my dream to kind of comfort me. I didn’t know that that same day would be the day that I will find out that I’ll be graduating with Latin honor. Maybe it was also your way of telling me how proud you are of me? I was in my first year in college when you passed away. And since then, I told myself that I would always do my best in uni as so I could show you how grateful I am to have you as my papa. It’s my way of giving back for I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t because of you. I’ve always wanted to make you proud.

I honestly have so many regrets, Pa.

I should’ve exerted more effort as so I could show how important you are to me and how much I love you too. I should have appreciated you more.

I didn’t see any of this coming.

You’ve always wanted the best for us. You would do anything just to see us happy.

I’ve been wondering since.. I’m wondering what could be happening right now if you’re still here with us. Would life be way much easier or bearable? Sometimes I find myself praying for a miracle to bring you back here. But I know that’s impossible.

It actually breaks my heart whenever I see people with their father hanging out together. I can’t help but be jealous. How I wish we could do that again too. How I wish you could still bring me to places I haven’t been to because that’s how great of a father you are. You’ve always wanted to let us experience the best things in life. I wish I could go back in time.

I wish I could still kiss your cheeks and be tickled by your facial hair. I wish I could still hold your hands. I wish I could still feel your super tight hug. I wish I could still hear you laughing out loud. I wish I could still hear you say I love you. I wish I could still hear you say how I’m getting so fat. I wish I could still listen to your exaggerated jokes and stories. I wish I could still witness you watching drama movies and trying not to tear up. I wish I could still see you wearing your shorts way up high your waist and dance just to make us laugh. I wish I could still see you going downstairs only wearing your underwear and finds it funny when we call you batman. I wish I could still see you eating and making it seem like what you’re eating is way too delicious that makes me want to try it too. I wish I could still receive texts from you. I JUST wish that you’re still here.

I love you beyond words, Pa. I’m really sorry if there were times before when you felt like I failed to appreciate you.

Know that I have learned so much from you.

You certainly have a heart of gold. You care so much for people around you and that’s one of the best things about you.




63 thoughts on “an open letter to the person I miss and love the most

  1. Oh man, this was a beautiful way of reaching out to thousands of people who have suffered this loss including me, except it was my mother. How I miss her so. How I used to call her and ask her so many times for cooking tips and temps and so many more things. I miss you mom and love you so very much…

    Thanks for this posting. God bless you.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Really heart ❤️ breaking…💔 ..
    I have lost my father too..
    had all of these feelings you expressed..
    and my dreams was the only place to hang on to him..

    Great dedication to dad… so sorry for your loss..
    Just be comforted by and with his awesome memories…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Love and hugs to you. I know your heart break. I lost my dad at the same tender age you did. The longing never goes away. Oddly enough, last night was riddled with dreams of my dad. I guess I was meant to read this today and tell you that you are not alone. Losing loved ones is the hardest thing on the planet. Sending you lots of love and healing light. I know it won’t lessen your grief. Just know you are being thought of with great kindness. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, it’s all okay but I am much older now so have had more years to adjust to the world without him. Love that you were able to write so poignantly about your dad. I can see why he was so proud of you. Hang in there. I can’t tell you it gets easier but time does soften the emotional scars of loss. Hugs to you and keep writing ❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Omg this was a really touching post.. :’) beautiful letter… I pray that your Pa reads this from the heavens above… he will surely be happy and proud of of you! 🙂 Stay strong and happy just as you are now and do keep writing! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Please know how much I feel the emotional pain that you have experienced, and will continue to feel, as your life continues without the presence of your father. I am very sorry that you had to lose such a special person in your life. We all have those things to deal with, but they are all individual, personal, and of such significance that no one else can understand how great the pain is that we experience. Please let me say that my prayers are with you. Also, I thank you for being a follower of my blog. Please have a blessed day in Jesus.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Your letter was beautifully written and it speaks with so much sincerity. I am sure that your father is proud of what you’ve become. He is looking after you up in heaven and he is guiding you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My dad died when I was 23. I’m a lot older than you, but your post took me back to images and memories and images of him like it all happened yesterday. Your writing is powerful because it comes from the heart. I forgot I was reading and thought I was only feeling. With admiration, Rich

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Incredibly touching words. You can really feel your love for him while reading this. It seems you inherited that heart of gold from him. I’m so very sorry for your loss. He sounds like such a wonderful person.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Once again i am impressed by your level of maturity and ability to express and understand your feelings.
    Coincidence or not ,my father passed away when i was 18 years old and it was extremly difficult to see other fathers with daughters helping,driving,advicing. When you have a very caring parent,their passing away leaves a gap.
    I found comfort in our family dog who was supposed to die a long time before and survived longer than my father passing away two years later in a natural painfree death.
    There are people who only experience death of a parent or very close relative much later in life. I have a friend who is in her 60’s and her mother is still alive (89)and her father passed away(95) last year. I think that there are advantages to dealing with death earlier on ,it can make people more sensitive to loss because everyone experiences loss sooner or later.. writing about loss helps and so do memorials. One day i want to make a photo slideshow on youtube as a memorial for my father.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I saw this post just few days ago and had to save it for a quiet time reading. I think words are not really enough to express our pains and feeling; especially that of losing a love one. But i want to believe that your heart is free now and that this pains is already getting healed.
    you must understand that this is life and that everyone on earth would one day leave this world. i pray that God would help you to overcome the memories to try and focus on better days ahead because the more you think back, the more the pains would continue. Try and forget. Respects and my regards:


  11. This is so heart melting and i got goose bumps while reading few lines😊it’s not like normal one’s it’s matured one ! there is pain in heart, love in throat,romance you miss .I can feel every line here..great lines💛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There is a word in Indonesian like this. It’s ‘enak’ – it technically means ‘yummy’ but can be used to basically mean something enjoyable. scenery, emotions, a house, how a car drives, etc. =) I wonder if the development of those words is connected!


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