an open letter to the person I miss and love the most

Hi Pa,

It has been three years since you passed away and I freakin miss everything about you.

You’re the only person I know who could make me laugh so hard I cry. Your humour is the best, it’s everything. It’s definitely something I would never forget about you.

I miss your voice, your laugh, and the way you talk. Whenever I hear the songs you used to sing, I feel like you’re always trying to send me a message. You’re the best singer I know, Pa.

One night, I found myself reading our messages on Facebook. It just broke my heart. The pain I felt when I heard from momma that you’re gone came back instantly.

Every time your friends will bring up your name, I couldn’t help myself. I always feel like wanting to run away and cry my heart out in a corner where no one could hear me.

I don’t think my tears will ever be enough for whenever I think of you, it’s too difficult for me to stop.

It’s so painful that every time I see you in my dreams, I’ll wake up with tears in my eyes. But, I would still rather see you in my dreams despite of it all, because that always makes me feel like you’re just here.

I will never forget this one random day when I was still in dorm, which happened to be my graduation practice day, I woke up crying. I saw you, perhaps you felt like I was worrying so much that you decided to appear in my dream to kind of comfort me. I didn’t know that that same day would be the day that I will find out that I’ll be graduating with Latin honor. Maybe it was also your way of telling me how proud you are of me? I was in my first year in college when you passed away. And since then, I told myself that I would always do my best in uni as so I could show you how grateful I am to have you as my papa. It’s my way of giving back for I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t because of you. I’ve always wanted to make you proud.

I honestly have so many regrets, Pa.

I should’ve exerted more effort as so I could show how important you are to me and how much I love you too. I should have appreciated you more.

I didn’t see any of this coming.

You’ve always wanted the best for us. You would do anything just to see us happy.

I’ve been wondering since.. I’m wondering what could be happening right now if you’re still here with us. Would life be way much easier or bearable? Sometimes I find myself praying for a miracle to bring you back here. But I know that’s impossible.

It actually breaks my heart whenever I see people with their father hanging out together. I can’t help but be jealous. How I wish we could do that again too. How I wish you could still bring me to places I haven’t been to because that’s how great of a father you are. You’ve always wanted to let us experience the best things in life. I wish I could go back in time.

I wish I could still kiss your cheeks and be tickled by your facial hair. I wish I could still hold your hands. I wish I could still feel your super tight hug. I wish I could still hear you laughing out loud. I wish I could still hear you say I love you. I wish I could still hear you say how I’m getting so fat. I wish I could still listen to your exaggerated jokes and stories. I wish I could still witness you watching drama movies and trying not to tear up. I wish I could still see you wearing your shorts way up high your waist and dance just to make us laugh. I wish I could still see you going downstairs only wearing your underwear and finds it funny when we call you batman. I wish I could still see you eating and making it seem like what you’re eating is way too delicious that makes me want to try it too. I wish I could still receive texts from you. I JUST wish that you’re still here.

I love you beyond words, Pa. I’m really sorry if there were times before when you felt like I failed to appreciate you.

Know that I have learned so much from you.

You certainly have a heart of gold. You care so much for people around you and that’s one of the best things about you.

-S